Birthday Blues: Changing the energy around my birthday
A few years ago, as my birthday was approaching, my husband Levi kept asking me what I wanted to do for my birthday. I remember feeling a sense of dread every time he asked and after several inquiries, Levi mentioned that I kept avoiding the question.
‘You do this every year,’ he said.
I had no idea I was displaying a clear pattern to him. So, I sat with this idea. Why do I get that ‘not-so-fresh feeling’ every year when my birthday approaches?
The closer my birthday got, the dread of the day would get worse and now I was very aware of my dread. Instead of ignoring it, I started to observe it within myself.
The morning of my birthday, I opened my phone and went into Facebook and it had started: the well-wishes. People I haven’t seen or talked to in years posting to my wall, and that’s when it struck me. It wasn’t the age increasing, it was the energy around the day. I felt overwhelmed by the pressure to ‘have a great day’ and more. That year, I even got a birthday wish on Facebook from a man who has been a total jerk to be in person for years, but is posting niceties on my wall (weird).
Many people, my husband included, would take all those well-wishes in stride and make it a positive, but I don’t feel that way. To me it’s fake (in some cases) and too much energy to navigate.
I started searching around online and found a Reddit thread with other people talking about how they dread their birthdays too. I read until I saw the phrase, ‘Birthday Blues,’ when I felt my entire brain screech to a halt.
That’s it. That’s what I felt. Blue.
‘The Birthday Blues’ is a term for people who don’t enjoy celebrating the day of their birth. It can show up in a few different ways: stress around the increase in age, fatigue, lack of sleep or appetite. Or in my case, a desire to isolate and avoid the day. A feeling I have had on my birthday since I was in my teens!
A side note: why is it so satisfying to find that there is a group of people who feel this way AND a term for it???
Now that I knew what I was working with, I started to think about what a trigger is for me and what isn’t. The first thing I did was hide my birthday on Facebook.
The next and harder thing to do was have a conversation with Levi about how I felt. Levi took it very well, but also still wanted to participate with me on my day, even if it meant dialing it back in scale.
I explained, I actually don’t mind people being kind to me because it’s birthday. The people who already know have some type of invested interest in me and that’s fine. For me, the stress comes from the burden of responsibility placed on the day.
Since taking my birthday off social media, the day becomes simple, the energy lighter. Levi has even figured out a way to celebrate that I don’t hate; each year he makes me a Jell-o No-bake Cheesecake as a special treat, and I couldn’t be happier.
Also, please understand that I’m not opposed to other people’s birthdays. In fact, I’m the one who makes the person a special dinner, gets gifts, sends flowers and cards, makes the cake. It’s just when it comes to mine that I feel a resistance deep inside.
Here are a few things to keep in mind if you also work with the Birthday Blues:
Instead of telling people, ‘I don’t like/celebrate my birthday.’ Try: ‘I get overwhelmed by the extra attention on my birthday.’ It allows people to taper their energy and still love on you.
Ask yourself what you’re ok with and what you’re not ok with. Communicate that to your loved ones.
Treat yourself, even if you’re the only one who will. A special dinner tradition? A bouquet of flowers? A weekend away? No one else needs to know why, but having your own ritual can be special even if its just you.
Some people in your life may want to do something anyway. Be gracious.
For me, taking the day off social media had the biggest impact on my energy. I was so relieved by it, my mother took hers off the following year and also reported feeling less stressed. I think sometimes we just don’t need everything to be the biggest and most. Sometimes the sweetness is in the simple.
